It was one year ago, this past Monday, that Candace died. This past weekend was hard and I didn't really want to go to work on Monday. But, as with most things I don't want to do (except exercise), I saw the bigger picture and knew going to work was the best choice. I got up, got Mads up, and together we headed to school.
When I got to my office, one of the amazing people I work with had left red roses for me on my desk. She had also left pink ones for Mads.
The thoughtfulness of the gift made me tear up. For most of the day, I found myself focused on my students and not on my emotions. However, at lunch, I sat staring out my window. Flying in the distance, I saw the unmistakable white head and tail of a bald eagle. Graceful for its size, I saw it settle on a branch of a tree and look in my direction. Or I thought it looked at me. I could't tell without my glasses - the glasses which had earlier been buried under the papers covering my desk. As I turned to hunt for my glasses I noticed the little red circle with the number 1 on my mail icon that indictates new mail.
Compelled to read emails as soon as I notice them, I clicked on the Mail icon. Would it be an email worth getting excited about or one I would delete without opening? In one of those rare and bittersweet moments, I saw that the 'unread' mail was from Cruise America. The subject line read, "Cruise America RV - Hot Deals!!!".
I admit, for the length of time it takes to blink, I thought about it. I thought about opening up that email and finding out just what those 'Hot Deals!!!' were. I thought about doing an RV trip all over again. I thought about collecting Gman and Mads and Nikki and heading out somewhere this summer. Sort of a 'In-Candace's-memory' trip.
Then I hit the delete key. Because while it is true that I am nostalgic; I am not crazy.
Monday was an emotionally difficult day. For too many reasons to explain, and many I likely don't need to, I spent a lot of Saturday and Sunday crying. I am still grieving the loss of Candace. This weekend I felt like everything since she has died has been harder than I thought it was going to be.
Just like that RV trip across America two and a half years ago was harder than I thought it would be. I clearly remember the times on that trip when I seriously thought I would sue Cruise America for the horrible RV experience. I have moments when I am still angry they put my life, the kids' life, Candace's life and Nikki's life in danger by forcing us to drive in an unsafe vehicle that should not have been allowed on the road. And even though I still can't forget how most of the people at Cruise America made that trip so much harder than I ever thought it would be... I realized, in spite of how hard it was, we were all better for having taken that trip together.
Every one of those experiences has made for an amazing story. Our RV trip had all the elements needed to make it unforgettable and magical. It had great love, drama, frustration, laughter and locust! :). And even though it was tough, we became closer, we loved harder and we lived more in those short days in that RV than I ever could have guessed when Candace said to me, "Will you take me on a road trip to the Grand Canyon?"
So, perhaps Cruise America regained some good 'car'ma on Monday when I got that email. I don't know. What I do know is that even though there were some incredibly tough moments, I learned so much on our trip. I learned what I can and can not do. I learned how far I can push myself until I break. I learned that even when it seems like I am broken, I am not. And I learned that moments that seem unbearably rough are, likely, going to come together in an amazing story somewhere down the road.
Feel free to look back through these posts. They made me smile this week, I hope they do the same for you,
Blessings,
MaryKate
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